the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
