he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Randomize
