If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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