can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
