Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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