so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
