Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
