So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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