Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
