just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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