her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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