Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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