what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
