I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
