dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
