apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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