Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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