It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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