I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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