I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
