Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize