Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
