im about as happy as oj after his trial
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
