I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
