I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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