I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
