I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You had me at "let me see your balls"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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