I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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