happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
