Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
