Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
