omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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