I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
