God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
