i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
