my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
