it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
