Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
