You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
