So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
