I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
