I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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