According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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