We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
