I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
