i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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