So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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