Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Let's get the cat blown out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
