eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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