p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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