thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I FOUND THE LEGS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
